Mind, Body and Sex

As you probably know, pleasing  a woman in bed can sometimes be challenging. 

We men, focused as we are on problem solving, often think that trying different techniques (either in foreplay, or unusual sexual positions) might get a woman aroused. Aroused enough, that is, for a woman to experience intense arousal and have an orgasm.

Certainly some women are sometimes pleased with new sexual antics in bed, but most of the time it takes a lot more than a novel sex position or some cunning trick to turn a woman on.

So what’s the secret to pleasing a woman in bed, making sure she is sexually satisfied, and guaranteeing that you both end up with great levels of sexual satisfaction?

Well, one major factor is how she thinks during sexual activity. A study in the journal Sexologies claims that women who focus on erotic thoughts or the sensations in their bodies during sex are more likely to have an orgasm. In other words she needs to be totally focused on sex and not distracted by anything around her.

What does this mean for men who are trying to pleasure a woman?

First of all, sexual pleasure isn’t just physiological, or associated with the sensations in the body. It’s also about thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the brain.

We all know that old cliche about a woman’s biggest sex organ being her mind. It obviously has a lot of truth in it. But just how do a woman’s mind and body work together in a way that makes her more likely to orgasm?

To get some insight into this, researchers at the University of Ottawa investigated 250 French women between the ages of 18 and 67. Of these, 75 said they had difficulty reaching orgasm during sexual relations with their partners.

The researchers asked them to complete a questionnaire. This revealed details of the emotions, thoughts, feelings and behaviors which apparently make it easy (or not) for women to orgasm.  

The study author, Pascal De Sutter, found that neither group of women had any difficulty reaching orgasm when they were pleasing themselves. That means masturbation or self-stimulation. In other words, during masturbation, women appear to be easily able to focus on erotic fantasies. And that seems to help them reach orgasm.

What of the women who said they were not orgasmic during intercourse? These were women who had difficulty reaching orgasm during sex with a partner. And it turns out they found it challenging or difficult to focus their attention on what was going on in their bodies or their minds (or both) during sex with a partner.

This was apparently because they were having difficulty avoiding “irrelevant” thoughts during lovemaking. These were thoughts irrelevant to sex, that is, concerned with their body, their looks, their appearance and their weight.

In other words, they were too self-conscious to “let go” and allow themselves to fully enter the sexual experience.

So what does this mean for a man trying to find out how to please a woman in bed?

A man needs to encourage his woman to “let go” of her distractions. He needs to give her all the reassurance he can so as to encourage her to stop worrying about her appearance or desirability. He needs to provide an environment in which she feels safe and secure.

That way she can focus on what’s happening in the sexual relationship without worrying about distractions (inside or outside the bedroom).

In particular,  the man in the relationship needs to encourage his woman to let go of concerns about her appearance, smell, taste, attractiveness and so on. He needs to give her plenty of support and emotional reassurance.

So for women, the ability to focus the mind directly on sexual fantasy and/or physical sensation is a critical part of reaching orgasm.

Mindfulness & Orgasm

Mindfulness is about focusing on the moment, in other words being fully aware of what’s happening in the moment. This means being fully aware of the sensations your body is giving you.

Marsha Lucas, a psychologist, says that the best way to enjoy sex more is to change how the brain operates . She’s a fan of mindfulness – and she sums it up simply like this: “Mindfulness is actually being there when you’re having sex”.

This means not just being there physically, but also being fully present in every other way. As Lucas puts it, being there “in thought, word and deed”.

So pleasing a woman in bed and helping her achieve orgasm is not about adding sex props, role-play, or toys, to the dynamic between a man and woman. At it’s most basic, for both men and women, it’s simply about bringing your whole attention to sex, showing up and “tuning in to the moment, yourself and your partner”.

How is this to be achieved?

Lucas talks about how to achieve a balanced flow of healthy, positive information between body and brain.

She gives an example of a couple who are making love. Suddenly the woman becomes aware of the fact that her partner doesn’t seem to be trying to please her in bed. In fact he’s simply “going through the motions”. 

As a response to that, her body goes into fight or flight response. This is exactly the opposite state to what’s needed for enjoyable sex: mentally, fight or flight takes you away from what’s happening, and physically it reduces blood flow to the genitals.

For the best sex, a man is fully present with his woman during sex, and she is fully relaxed and completely aware of what’s going on. She’s also fully attuned to her partner, so she can connect with all the glorious bodily sensations and feelings that are part of good sex.

These feelings become magnified as she focuses on them.

And, as a man, you can learn to “read” your partner’s body and see what she’s thinking and feeling. This gives you better attunement and connection with your partner during lovemaking.